Carpet Munchers and Oblivious Doofuses
by LexieFanatic
Summary: Your typical High School AU set in... nowhere. Revolves around Hiccup/Hayden, his fabulous sister Heather and their adorable, precious cousin Derek. Blonde bombshell Astrid also plays a central role along with cheerleader Rachel Thorston and her boytoys, Scott and Fred. Warning: Lots of dumb teenage drama. Respectfully narrated by Ted Thorston.
1. Chapter 1

Heather glared at her brother Hayden 'Hiccup' for gawking at the blonde from the locker across to theirs. Not just any blonde either. Astrid freakin' Hofferson. She wasn't even the typical blonde bimbo, more nerdy and secluded than outgoing and popular like her best friend Rachel Thorston. She wrote essays on her arms for God's sake. What a freak. Heather did, however, appreciate that Hofferson seemed to want to maintain a low profile even if it were for reasons only Heather knew. Not that it helped much since idiot guys like her brother still drooled after her. Ugh.

Heather elbowed Hiccup as he lifted his hand up to wave at Hofferson as she passed them by. The girl in question smiled at him, tucking her hair behind her ear, uttering a rushed 'hi'.

"Ow!" he exclaimed. "What did you do that for?"

"Will you stop it?" Heather hissed.

"Stop what?" Hiccup whined.

"Stop being an idiot. You are not her type."

Hiccup glared at his sister. "And how do you know that?"

Heather sighed. "I-.. ugh.. I just know, okay! Lets head to class."

.-.-.

"How was school, kids?" Stefan Haddock's voice boomed across the room as Hiccup and Heather stepped into the house.

"It was great!" Hiccup replied enthusiastically. Heather rolled her eyes. "It was okay. The same old crap."

Stefan frowned at his daughter. "Watch your language young lady," he warned.

"Anyway, so I will be leaving again for a few days but luckily for the two of you, your cousin Derek will be stopping by and-"

"Noooo! Not deranged Derek," Hiccup moaned. "I hate him dad. He tried to drown me-"

"I love Derek!" Heather pipped in.

Hiccup glared at her, "I thought you blamed him for your mother's death."

"I did, but I was just a child then and if it weren't for Derek I wouldn't have been here with you guys right now," she explained. "My real family."

Hiccup's expression softened, and Stefan placed a loving hand on his daughter shoulder. "We are equally as grateful to have you. Now I need you two to make sure Derek doesn't-"

"..do anything too crazy, yeah we got it dad," Hiccup chimed in. "Anyway, I got to head up and get ready for my date."

Heather crunched up her nose. "Date? You? Who would date a loser like you?"

Hiccup threw one of the cushions from the couch at her. Oof.

"Hey!" Heather complained. "No but seriously who is this unfortunate lady? Surely it can't be Rachel cause she is waaay out of your league. I hope it's that boring bookworm Natalie."

"Thanks for boosting up my confidence," Hiccup rolled his eyes at Heather's smug 'you are welcome'.

"It's Astrid."

"What?!" Heather shrieked. "Since when? I don't remember seeing you ask her out!"

"I texted her," Hiccup shrugged.

Heather frowned. "You have her phone number? How?!"

Hiccup began sauntering up to his room.

"Hiccup you moron, answer me!"

"Busy, busy, busy!" he slammed the door to his room.

Stefan chuckled. "Look at him, all grown up." His expression turned playful at his daughter's sour expression. "Don't worry, you will find a boyfriend in no time."

Heather rolled her eyes. As if she wanted a boyfriend.

.-.-.

Heather heard the shower turn off in the girl's changing room, and saw a naked Astrid padding across to grab her clothes. Didn't she own a towel for God's sake.

Heather couldn't help but admire the blonde's body as she dressed.

"So how was the date?" she broke the silence, face flushing slightly when Astrid smiled at her.

"It was great. You brother is very sweet."

"Hmm."

Before she could stop herself, Heather closed in on Astrid.

"He took me to a..." Astrid's voice trailed off as sensed Heather's close proximity behind her. She abruptly turned to face the raven haired girl.

"What are-" Heather pulled her into a heated kiss, pushing Astrid's scantily clothed body up against the wall with her own, running her hands down her sides. As they heard someone approaching the room, she pulled away, clearing her throat.

Astrid stared at her shocked and out of breath.

"Right.. so stay away from my brother," Heather mumbled under her breath as she hurriedly left the room.

.-.-.

"I win!" Derek shouted, slapping Hiccup hard across his back. "Aren't you happy I could come, brother?"

"Couldn't be happier," Hiccup mumbled sarcastically.

Heather suddenly entered the room with popcorn, seating herself next to Derek on the end end of the couch.

"So," Derek started. "I hear Hiccup has a hot girlfriend, what about you Heather? Has anyone caught your interest yet?"

Ha! Heather snorted. "As if! What about yourself Derek? Who is your victim?"

Derek laughed, throwing an arm over Hiccup. "Well if Hiccup had not been my cousin, I would have been all over that," he wiggled his eyebrows.

"I think I'm going to throw up," Hiccup mumbled.

Derek laughed, "I'm just joking brother. You are too easy!" he exclaimed. "Anyway, as a matter of fact, yes I do have a special someone but-"

"But?" Heather coaxed him to proceed.

"But she is kinda insane, ya know. Like she tried to kill me on our first date!" he laughed manically.

Hiccup and Heather shared a look.

"Sounds like your type," Hiccup shrugged, before looking down on his phone to open a text message.

Heather felt her heart race. "Who is it?" she asked.

Hiccup shook his head. "None of your fucking business, sis."

Heather glared at him. Everything about Astrid was exactly her business. Hiccup was too delusional to see it. Idiot.

.-.-.

"So where is Heather today?" Derek wondered out loud. "I'm bored, as fancy as uncle Stefan's mansion is, we should go out."

Hiccup peered at him over his homework. "No. The last time you took us out, we nearly died Derek!"

Derek sighed happily. "Good times," he yawned, stretching his arms above his head.

"So have you ever wondered if you are gay, Hiccup?"

Hiccup almost spluttered out the his soft drink he was enjoying. "Of course not! I'm not gay, Dagur. I have a _girlfriend_."

"Hmm," Derek hummed unconvinced. "I thought with Heather being a raging lesbian and all, you were surely-"

Hiccup stood up abruptly. "Wait.. what?"

Derek lifted an amused eyebrow. "Changing your mind, eh, brother?"

"No! I mean what did you just say about Heather?" Hiccup frowned.

Derek blinked at him. "Hmm, didn't think you as unobservant brother."

Hiccup rolled his eyes and sat back down. "So it's not something Heather told you, it's just you making crazy assumptions as always."

Derek shrugged. "Just sayin."

"Sure, sure. Now hand me the remote, I'm sick of watching My Little Pony."

.-.-.

 **I think I might write another chapter if there is demand for it. But anyway HEATSTRID for lyfe. They so had the hots for each other on RTTE, I hope they get married, meow.**


	2. Chapter 2

_Click, click, click, click, click._

Heather glared at her brother as he proceeded to annoy the fuck out of her.

"You are doing it on purpose," she snapped at him.

Hiccup feigned surprise, his mouth turning into an innocent pout. "What?... Me? Never!"

 _Click, click, click._ His pen suddenly slipped out of his hold and fell straight into his coffee, making a mess across the table.

"Hiccup, I swear I'm going to beat you up with this," Heather retorted, holding up a book covered in sparkling butterflies.

Hiccup wrinkled his nose at his sister. "It was an accident, Heather! I can't control it," he shrugged.

"Like hell you can't you-"

"Kids will you please quiet down back there," Derek's voice boomed across the room. When his warning proved ineffective, he stood up from his comfortable spot at the couch and sauntered over to the bickering siblings.

"Get up!" he ordered them.

The Haddock twins gave one another a weary look before complying.

 _Shit was about to go down._ Oh boy.

-x-x-x-

"How come I don't get to drive?" Derek whined, his words slurred from all the rum he had consumed.

Hiccup ignored him, turning to his sister instead. "So where to next?"

"Hmm?" Heather looked deep in thought.

Hiccup sighed, taking a sharp U-turn to snap her out her daydreams. Her head ended up colliding against the window.

"Where. Should. We. Go. Next?" he emphasized every word, earning a punch on the shoulder. "Hey!"

"I want ice-cream!" Derek demanded. "Yummy, creamy, delicious ice-cream."

They drove to an almost abandoned ice-cream parlor. Derek insisted on parking the car himself, and ended up taking two parking slots.

"That's how you park a car, brother."

Hiccup rolled his eyes.

As they entered, Heather's eyes widened suddenly. Their waitress was none other than.. _Astrid_.

"Astrid!" Hiccup exclaimed happily, stepping forward to embrace the petite blonde in an apron. "What are you doing here?"

Heather elbowed him, and then motioned to Astrid's attire. _Could he be any more of an oblivious idiot?_

"Oh!" Hiccup coughed, shooting his sister a glare as he rubbed his side.

Astrid smiled at them both and then asked for their order. Heather took notice of how she avoided eye contact with her.

"Is that all?"

Hiccup suddenly stood up. "Let me help you!"

Astrid shook her head. "Hiccup, it's my job, but thanks for offering. You are really sweet," she left him with a kiss on the cheek.

Heather internally gagged.

"This place is so quiet," Derek mused. He then pulled out his iphone to blast some folk music into the shop.

Hiccup tried to take the phone from him, and the two ended up wrestling over it. Heather leaned over to the snatch the offensive object out of both their grasp, and then turned the volume higher.

"Heather!" Hiccup protested. "Turn that thing off!" He felt a blush rising when Astrid glanced over at them.

The song ended as Astrid came forward to bring them their desserts. Hiccup gave her a smile of approval as she served him his order. Suddenly, Derek's phone started yodeling, making everyone in the room pause.

"That one is my favorite!" Derek declared, swallowing a big spoon of vanilla ice-cream."Brain freeze!" he gripped his head, shaking like a maniac.

Hiccup shook his head in disbelief before turning to Astrid with a big, giant smile. "Sorry about him," he began. "He is kinda deranged. And drunk."

"He is our cousin," Heather added in.

"Distant-cousin!" Hiccup corrected her.

Astrid merely nodded. "Well I should go and change, my shift is nearly over-"

"You should join us," Derek cut her off. "Right Hiccup? Or Heather? Y'know, I can't ever really tell with these two."

Hiccup kicked him from underneath the table. "Yeah, you are absolutely welcome to join us."

Astrid turned to look at Heather. "Yeah, whatever," the flaxen haired teen mumbled.

"Okay," Astrid agreed, before leaving to get her belongings.

-x-x-x-

TBC


End file.
